One night
by Charliefox2012
Summary: After tonight, who am I? Daria/Jane femslash. 4/29/10: 1 and 2 original version: 3 and 4 revised version.
1. Chapter 1

**I lie**

I lie here, naked, but covered, in a bed that is not my own. Nevertheless, I know it. However, not like _this_, at least before now.

I lie here unsure of what I am supposed to do.

It's dark, except for the moonlight that filters through the sheet that is supposed to be curtains.

It's quiet, except for the girl softly snoring next to me.

Yes. Girl.

I lie here next to a girl. I'm a girl. We lie together naked. Strange.

My mind keeps trying to hammer that into me.

I move on.

I watch her for a moment. Her dark hair falling over her face. I can't exactly see her without my glasses, but I know her form well enough. More so now.

Anyway, I want to move the stray strands, but I'm afraid to touch her.

She looks so peaceful, of course I assume. At least I hope.

I'm afraid to wake her.

She is my best friend, but after tonight…what is she?

After tonight, who am I?

I sigh and look to the ceiling, going over the evening in my head.

We were alone. She was working on a sculpture. It was interesting. She worked, I watched.

I close my eyes, reliving the moments that led up to now.

Boredom is a teenager's worst enemy. Being bored never did anybody any good.

However, I'm not sure if that can apply to us.

We weren't _exactly_ bored, and unfortunately, we weren't drunk either.

There is no excuse for this, not that I'm unhappy.

I hope she isn't unhappy either.

I lay here, still and silent, staring at the ceiling again, although I can't really see it.

Reminds me, where are my glasses?

Dammit.

I'll look for them in a moment. Being here feels right. For now.

I wonder what the time is. I know it must be past midnight.

My parents might worry and wonder why I haven't returned, but they know where I am.

They trust her and me.

I wonder if this is a betrayal to them. I'm unsure again.

I sigh and look at her again. I'm over thinking things. I should let this play out however it will.

However, I'm not that kind of person. I need to know what this will do to us, to me. I need to be in control.

I lie here in a bed with my best friend, naked, and it's my fault.

I initiated it, and I probably shouldn't have.

"_It felt right, at the moment_," is my excuse.

I wanted her and…she wanted me.

I was caught off guard by that. I expected a fight, a look of disgust, a yell to get the hell out.

I was expecting the end of her and me.

No. Not even close.

She wanted me…and now I'm losing control again.

In retrospect, what was I thinking?

I was thinking that I wanted more.

I want everything…but I realized that I can't do it.

I lie. It's more of an "_I don't want to do it"._

_I don't _want to hurt her.

_I don't _want to get hurt.

_I don't _want to find out how badly I can mess this up.

_I don't _want to find out how badly I can get messed up by this.

I still want it though, but I know me better then anyone else can claim, even her.

I'll ruin this somehow, and I'll lose my first and best friend with it.

I get up gently so as not to wake her. It's best we save the discussion for later.

I think I'll let both of us live in our illusions a little while longer.

I grope around in the dark. I find my glasses on the bedside table. I find my clothes strewn around the floor. How I mange this in the dark amazes me, since my best friend's room is a mess. It wouldn't surprise me if I end up walking out of here wearing something of hers.

I'd better make sure what I have on _is_ mine. It would be awkward having to return something of hers after tonight. Then again, this whole thing is awkward.

I dress silently, checking that it's all mine.

I stand next to her bed and watch her. She _does_ look peaceful. I'm happy and melancholic in equal amounts.

She said she loved me tonight. I was startled. And that definitely is not in my control.

I didn't say it back. I don't know if I regret that or not.

Does she expect me to say it later?

Will I? Probably not.

I put my jacket on and search for my backpack.

I cross the room, as quietly as I can. Open the door the same and exit her house.

The night or morning is cool, but not cold. I start for my house.

I know that later today we'll meet up.

It will be awkward, but we'll talk and carry on for a moment as if nothing happened.

Then she will sigh after a long while of acting, on both our parts, and acknowledge last night.

It'll be weird and strange, and in the end we'll ask, _"Where do we go from here?"_

I know she'll speak the truth. She did last night. She loves me.

I love her too, but in the end…

I will lie.


	2. Chapter 2

_**I lied**_

I sit across from her in our usual booth in our usual pizza place.

She eats and complains again of the jock and his blonde bimbo.

I sip my soda and listen to her quietly. I don't have much to say about them.

Besides, it's good to hear her talk. It's so much better then her awkward silences of late.

I sigh internally, still drinking my soda. Really, it's just to be doing something.

I know I should let it go, just move on. I mean she has.

It's like nothing ever happened and that bothers the hell out of me.

Nevertheless, I can't complain if I want to keep her by my side.

I was stupid. I am stupid. I should have refused her.

So she kissed me, I should have stopped her there.

I didn't want to though. I wanted it. I wanted her.

I guess it was wrong of me to assume she wanted more then just a good romp.

I would never have pegged her as that kind of person.

I tune back into the conversation as she starts in on our History teacher.

I only have to nod, add an, _"I know, what a moron," _and she's satisfied.

I can go back to my thoughts as she continues. As long as she doesn't go silent, we're fine.

I know she's my best friend. That's all she should be a week later, but I can't find the heart to really accept that.

We spent the night together and I want more of that.

Not just for the pure physical part, although that was quite good. No. I want that person I had that night.

The person who trusted me, who cared, and the person I thought loved me.

She was very good at that lie. I wonder why I don't hate her.

Anyway, really this is all my fault. It has to be. I mean I can't really blame her…can I?

I mean I let my walls down and invited her in. I didn't exactly know her intentions.

I told her I loved her. Stupid I know. I should have known better. Maybe it's why she backed off.

Was it too soon, or am I deluding myself. Maybe there really is nothing there.

She says my name.

I perk up. Apparently, she said something that required my input.

She gives me a concerned look.

I wave it off, claiming tiredness. I know she sees past it. And she goes quiet.

Dammit.

We finish our meal and walk out onto the street. It's dusk and the air is cooling. It's comfortable.

We start walking our usual route to our homes. She's still silent.

I look at her. She seems to have something on her mind. I want to ask, but I know she'll say its nothing.

I'll accept it just because I don't want her to pull farther away.

However, there is so much I want to say, to ask, but we…_she_ decided a week ago, enough was said and there was no reason to bring it back up a week later, a month later, or even years later.

She closed up just like that and the incident never happened.

We walk a few more blocks. We're coming up to a significant point in our route.

We reach it, the couple of blocks from my house.

I ask her if she wants to hang out at my house.

She hesitates…and then declines.

We keep walking, silent still.

I'm hurt she doesn't ask me to come over.

I'm not surprised, but I'm, nevertheless, hurt.

She won't hang out with me if no one is at her house.

We know her parents haven't come home yet, and her sister isn't usually home before dark.

She won't hang out at my house if no one is there.

We both know my brother is at rehearsal with his band, and none of my other family is ever home.

We reach my house, we say goodnight and she continues onward to her house.

I wonder if she's relieved to be out of my presence.

I won't go there. It hurts.

I walk through my dark and quiet house. I enter my room.

I contemplate turning on the light, but decide to open my window.

There's still enough light to illuminate my room, although, really I won't need any.

I just lie on my bed and stare at my wall lately. I don't know if I'm exactly broken, but I feel off.

You would think that with the misery I feel I would be painting my heart out. Isn't pain and misery the best for creativity?

I'd rather tear my heart out.

I kick my boots off and lie on the bed. Another night of staring at my wall. Maybe I'll try the ceiling today, or the door.

Ceiling, it doesn't hurt my neck so much. I sigh.

I have never felt this lonely before, even before I met her.

Last week ruined us. What was I thinking?

Especially with her. She has never been simple, or easy. She makes things so difficult.

Why did I think she'd be pleased with my contact? She hates human contact of any kind.

I was arrogant. Plain and simple.

I was arrogant in thinking she'd find me special and different.

She told me I was her first friend. Her best friend. It made me feel special. Egotism obviously isn't my strong point.

Maybe it's best if I walk away. I'd being doing us a favor

I can't stand that she feels awkward around me.

I can't take the pain of missing her and yearning for something that didn't even exist.

We weren't together, so why does this feel like some stupid breakup.

Probably because in some way she is dumping me.

I want someone to blame. I need it. Yet, I still can't figure out who to blame; her, for kissing me, or me, for letting it turn into something more.

Hormones. I'll just leave it at that, besides what can two teenagers really know about love.

That it sucks, and hurts like hell.

I sigh angrily.

I have to walk away. I can't do this and eventually, she'll want to leave too. I don't think us sitting in awkwardness can constitute as a close friendship.

Truth is, she and I are, or were, better off just being alone. I can't make friends, neither could she. So what were we thinking that made us think we'd be good as friends…well we are, were, whatever.

She's the best damn friend I ever had; I can't lie.

Okay, so we're good friends. Lovers, apparently is an impossible concept for both of us, or her.

So what do I do now? Do I walk away and live my life in misery, while deluding myself that I'm happy and that she'll be just as well off, or do I withstand _this _misery and still delude myself that I'm happy and that she's…I actually don't know what she'd think.

Either way, this needs to get resolved.

Nevertheless, I honestly wonder, _can I walk away_?

A knock at my front door interrupts my thoughts. I walk out to open it.

I'm surprised. It's her. Maybe she'll make the decision for me.

Please don't leave me.

She is staring at her boots and doesn't exactly look at me. After a moment, she mumbles something.

I barely hear it. I have an idea of what she said. I ask her to repeat it to be sure.

She still isn't exactly looking at me. She clears her throat.

I love you.

It registers pretty quickly, and I want to jump with joy, but that's not my style. Also, I'm afraid, as skittish as she is, that I'd scare her off.

So I smile amused. I can't resist.

I tell her that I think her boots feel the same.

She finally looks up at me with a light glare, but smirking which turns into a smile.

I smile too and take her into my arms.

I kiss her. She kisses me back.

She stays in my arms and then I invite her in.

I know we won't repeat what we did last week. I'm not stupid. Moreover, I don't care, just as long as she's here.

We sit in my room and start talking about what to do, but not in a worried manner.

We never cared what others thought before, so why start now.

I listen to her talk, and I'm more lively this time.

I'm content, and think, if I really thought I could have done well without this, without her…

I lied.


	3. Chapter 3

**I lie: revised version**

I lie here, naked, but covered by a thin sheet, in a bed that is not my own.

Nevertheless, I know it.

However, not like _this_. At least before now.

I lie here unsure of what I am supposed to do.

It's dark, except for the moonlight that filters through the sheet that is supposed to be curtains.

It's quiet, except for the girl softly snoring next to me.

Yes. Girl.

I lie here next to a girl.

I too am a girl.

We lie here together, naked.

Strange, is the first word that comes to mind.

I move on.

I turn to my left and watch the sleeping girl for a moment.

Her dark hair has fallen over her face.

Although, I can't really be sure. My sight is horrible and without my glasses, I can't see much.

However, I know her form well enough to guess.

I guess I know her form more so now.

Anyway, I want to move the stray strands, but I'm afraid to touch her.

She looks so peaceful. Of course, I assume.

At least I hope.

I'm afraid to wake her.

She is my best friend, but after tonight…what is she?

God, after tonight, who am _I_?

I sigh gently and look to the ceiling, going over the evening in my head.

We were alone.

She was working on a sculpture. It was interesting.

She worked; I watched.

I close my eyes, reliving the moments that led up to now.

Boredom is a teenager's worst enemy.

Being bored never did anybody any good.

However, I'm not sure if that can truly apply to us.

We weren't _exactly_ bored and unfortunately, we weren't drunk either.

There is no excuse for this, not that I'm unhappy.

I hope she isn't unhappy either.

I lay here, still and silent, staring at the ceiling again, although I can't really see it.

Reminds me, where are my glasses?

Dammit.

I'll look for them in a moment. Being here feels right.

For now.

I wonder what the time is. I know it must be past midnight.

My parents might worry and wonder why I haven't returned yet.

Maybe not.

They know where I am.

They trust her and me.

A thought crosses my mind, _'is this betrayal to them?'_

I'm becoming unsure again.

I sigh and look at her once more.

I'm over thinking things. I should just let this play out however it will.

However, I'm not that kind of person. I need to know what this will do to us--to me.

I need to be in control.

I lie here in a bed with my best friend, naked, and it's my fault.

I initiated it, and I probably shouldn't have.

"_It felt right, at the moment_," is my only excuse.

I wanted her and…she wanted me.

I was caught off guard by the latter.

I expected a fight, a look of disgust, a yell to get the hell out.

I was expecting the end of her and me.

No.

Not even close.

She wanted me…and now I'm losing control again.

In retrospect, _what_ was I thinking?

I was thinking that I wanted more.

I want everything…but I realized that I can't do it.

I lie.

It's more of an "_I don't want to."_

_I don't want to _hurt her.

_I don't want to _get hurt.

_I don't want to _find out how badly I can mess this up.

_I don't want to _find out how badly I can get messed up by this.

I still want it though, but I know me better then anyone else can claim, even her.

I'll ruin this somehow, and I'll lose my first and best friend with it.

I get up gently so as not to wake her.

It's best we save the discussion for later.

I think I'll let both of us live in our illusions a little while longer.

I grope around in the dark.

I find my glasses on the bedside table. I find my clothes strewn around the floor.

How I mange this in the dark amazes me since my best friend's room is a mess.

Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if I end up walking out of here wearing something of hers.

With that thought, I'd better make sure that what I have on _is_ mine.

It would be really awkward to have to return her underwear or something of the like after tonight.

Although, compared to the whole of the situation, the returning of undergarments might be the least awkward.

_Might be._

I dress silently, making sure that it's all mine.

I stand next to her bed and watch her.

She _does_ look peaceful.

I'm happy and melancholic in equal amounts.

She said she loved me tonight.

I was startled.

And _that_ definitely is not in my control.

I didn't say it back.

I don't know if I regret that or not.

Does she expect me to say it later?

Will I?

Probably not.

I put on my jacket and search for my backpack.

I cross the room, as quietly as I can. Open the door the same and exit her house.

The night or morning is cool, but not cold.

I start for my house.

I know that later today we'll meet up.

It will be awkward, but we'll talk and carry on for a moment as if nothing happened.

Then she will sigh after a long while of acting, on both our parts, and acknowledge last night.

It'll be weird and strange, and in the end we'll ask, _"Where do we go from here?"_

I know she'll speak the truth. She did last night.

She loves me.

I love her, too, but in the end…

I will lie.


	4. Chapter 4

**I lied: revised version**

I sit across from her in our usual booth at our usual pizza place.

She eats and complains again of the jock and his blonde bimbo.

I sip my soda and listen to her quietly. I don't have much to say about them.

Besides, it's good to hear her talk. It's so much better then her awkward silences of late.

I sigh inwardly, still drinking my soda. Really, it's just to be doing something.

I know I should let it go, just move on. I mean, she has.

It's like nothing ever happened, and that bothers the hell out of me.

Nevertheless, I can't complain if I want to keep her by my side.

I was stupid.

I am stupid.

I should have refused her.

So she kissed me; I should have stopped her there.

I didn't want to though.

I wanted it.

I wanted her.

I guess it was wrong of me to assume that she wanted more then just a good romp.

Funny, I would never have pegged her as that kind of person.

I tune back into the conversation as she starts in on our History teacher.

I only have to nod, add an, _"I know, what an idiot," _and she is satisfied.

I can go back to my thoughts as she continues.

As long as she doesn't go silent, we're fine.

I know she's my best friend.

And really, that's all she should be a week later, but I honestly can't find the heart to accept that.

We spent the night together and I want more of that.

Not just for the pure physical part, although that was quite good.

No.

I want that person I had that night.

The person who trusted me and seemed to care about me.

The person I thought loved me.

More assumptions. Again, I know. My fault.

But how could I not believe her, she seemed very truthful with that lie.

I wonder why I'm not angry with her.

I wonder why I don't hate her.

Anyway, all that matters is that this is all my fault.

It has to be.

I mean, I can't really blame her…can I?

I mean, I let my walls down and invited her in.

I didn't exactly know her intentions.

I told her I loved her.

Stupid, I know.

I should have known better.

Maybe it's why she backed off.

Was it too soon, or am I deluding myself?

Maybe there really is nothing there.

She says my name.

I perk up.

Apparently, she said something that required my input.

She gives me a concerned look.

I wave it off, claiming tiredness. I know she sees past it.

And she goes quiet.

Dammit.

We finish our meal and walk out onto the street.

It's dusk and the air is cooling. It's comfortable.

We start walking our usual route to our homes.

She's still silent.

I look at her.

She seems to have something on her mind.

I want to ask, but I know she'll say its nothing.

I'll accept it just because I don't want her to pull farther away.

However, there is so much I want to say, to ask, but we…_she_ decided a week ago that enough was said then and that there was no reason to bring the incident back up a week later, a month later, or even years later.

She closed up just like that and the incident never happened.

We walk a few more blocks.

We're coming up to a significant point in our route.

We reach it: the couple of blocks from my house.

I ask her if she wants to hang out at my house.

She hesitates…and then declines.

We keep walking, silent still.

I'm hurt that she doesn't ask me to come over.

I'm not surprised, but I'm, nevertheless, hurt.

She won't hang out with me if no one is at her house.

We know her parents haven't come home yet and her sister isn't usually home before dark.

She won't hang out with me at my house if no one is there.

My family is never home, save for Trent, but we both know he'll be at rehearsal with his band tonight.

We reach my house; we say goodnight and she continues onward to her house.

I wonder if she's relieved to be out of my presence.

I stop my thoughts. I won't go there. It hurts.

I walk through my dark and quiet house and enter my room.

I contemplate turning on the light, but decide to open my window instead.

There's still just enough light to illuminate my room, although, really I won't need any.

Lately, I just lie on my bed and stare at my wall.

I don't need light to do that.

I don't know if I'm exactly broken, but I feel messed up.

I look to my easel, which holds a blank canvas.

You would think that with the misery I feel I would be painting my heart out.

Isn't pain and misery the best for creativity?

I'd rather tear my heart out.

I kick my boots off and lie on the bed.

Another night of staring at my wall. Maybe I'll try the ceiling today, or the door.

Ceiling, it doesn't hurt my neck so much.

I sigh.

I have never felt this lonely before, even before I met her.

Last week ruined us.

God, what was I thinking?

Especially with her.

She has never made things simple or easy.

She has never been simple or easy.

Why did I think she'd be pleased with my contact?

She hates human contact of any kind.

I was arrogant.

Plain and simple.

I was arrogant in thinking she'd find me special and different.

She told me I was her first friend. Her best friend.

It made me feel special.

Egotism obviously isn't my strong point.

Maybe it's best if I walk away. I'd be doing us a favor.

I can't stand that she feels awkward around me.

I can't take the pain of missing her and yearning for something that didn't even exist.

We weren't together, so why does this feel like some stupid breakup.

Probably because in some way she is dumping me.

I want someone to blame.

I need it.

Yet, I still can't figure out who to blame; her, for kissing me, or me, for letting it turn into something more.

Hormones.

I'll just leave it at that.

Besides what can two teenagers really know about love?

That it sucks and hurts like hell.

I sigh angrily.

I have to walk away.

I don't think us sitting in awkwardness can constitute as a close friendship.

Truthfully, she and I are or were better off alone.

We both made it difficult to have and keep friends.

So, what made us think that we could be good friends?

Truth is we just did.

She's the best damn friend I ever had; I can't lie.

Okay, so we're good friends.

Lovers, apparently is an impossible concept for both of us, or her.

So, what do I do?

Do I walk away and live my life in misery, while deluding myself that I'm happy and that she'd be just as well-off, or do I withstand _this _misery and still delude myself that I'm happy and that she's…I actually don't know what she'd think.

Either way, this needs to get resolved.

Nevertheless, I honestly wonder, "_can I walk away_?"

A knock at my front door interrupts my thoughts. I walk out to open it.

I'm surprised.

It's her.

Maybe she'll make the decision for me.

_Please don't leave me._

She is staring at her boots.

After a moment, not raising her head to look at me, she mumbles something.

I barely hear it.

I have an idea of what she said, but I ask her to repeat it to be sure.

She still doesn't look up at me. She clears her throat and says, clearly, "_I love you."_

It registers quickly.

I want to jump with joy, but that's not my style.

Also, I'm afraid, as skittish as she is, that I'd scare her off.

So, I stay cool.

She doesn't look at me. I know she's waiting for me to say something.

I scrutinize her.

I could make this easy, but…I can't resist.

I smirk and tell her that I think her boots feel the same.

She finally looks up at me with a light glare.

After a moment, she smirks, which turns into a real smile.

I smile, too, and take her into my arms.

I kiss her.

She kisses me back.

She stays in my arms a little while and then I invite her in.

I know we won't repeat what we did last week.

I'm not stupid.

Moreover, I don't care, just as long as she's here and we can get back to normal.

Maybe better than normal.

Whichever.

We sit in my room and start talking about what to do, but not in a worried manner.

We never cared what others thought before, so why start now.

I listen to her talk and I'm livelier this time.

I'm content with her.

With us.

Together in my room.

Just the way we should always be.

And I think, if I thought that I really could have been well without this, without her…

I lied.


End file.
